A topic that often comes up in discussions around ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is whether it is a relationship structure, or part of a person's sexuality. It can be difficult to know the differences sometimes, so let's have a closer look.
ENM as a relationship structure;
Ethical non-monogamy is an alternative to monogamy. Monogamy is a relationship type that involves two people who choose to be with each other at the exclusion of all others. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term describing relationships that include more than two people with the consent of everyone involved.
This could be polyamory, where people are developing meaningful relationships with more than one person at the same time; or it could be an open-relationship where a couple have sex with others but don't necessarily form ongoing relationships with those people; as well as many other examples.
People who view ENM as a relationship structure tend to value the structure itself. These people may have an emphasis on the relationships they form with others, deep connections and their ability to love/adore/value multiple partners at the same time. The focus for these people is generally on the way in which we conduct relationships, rather than sexual activity specifically.
ENM as a part of sexuality;
People who feel ENM is part of their sexuality tend to emphasise and value the sexual connection with multiple partners. This may be through a polyamorous relationship where an additional partner meets their need for a certain kink; or it could be through a swingers dynamic where the couple are able to explore their sexuality through experiences with other couples; or it may be an open-relationship where one partner has a higher sex drive than the other and is able to have this need met through sexual experiences with others.
People who view ENM as a sexuality generally utilise ENM for sexual experiences. This may include kink/BDSM, differing sex drives, valuing a range of sexual experiences with a range of different people, sexual curiosity, sex as an extension of friendship, and physical pleasure. Connecting with other people in a sexual way can feel quite natural for some people; hence the concept of it being part of a person's sexuality.
It may be interesting to note that plenty of folks who engage with ENM as part of their sexuality have an emotional exclusivity to one specific partner. This means that although they may have sexual experience with different people, they only have a deep emotional bond with one person. An example of this is when a monogamous couple have differing sex drives, and one partner seeks out sex with others whilst still being in a committed, long term relationship with their original partner.
Is ENM a relationship structure or a sexuality?
The answer is... both. For some people ENM is a way of conducting relationships based on a value system regarding deep connections with multiple people. For others, ENM is part of their sexual exploration and understandings of themselves as a sexual being. And, of course, for some it may be a combination of the two.
Is it necessary to choose one or the other?
The only necessity here is that you communicate your views clearly to partners, and ensure they understand your wants, needs and what you have to offer them. Consent should always include as much information as possible so that all parties involved can make informed choices (that goes for our monogamous friends too!). Some people may not want to engage in casual sex, whilst others may not be looking to form ongoing connections; it all comes down to clear and transparent communication in order to ensure informed consent.
If you would like some support navigating this topic, please feel free to contact Bronwyn for a no-obligation 15 minute consult at bronwyn@floraisonmentalhealth.com.au
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