Jealousy is a topic that comes up frequently when discussing ethical non-monogamy. Jealousy is an uncomfortable feeling that makes many people question their relationships and whether they trust their partners, or indeed themselves. Self-doubt follows, and individuals find themselves uncertain of their wants and needs, values and morals. “But if I’m feeling jealous that must mean I’m not cut out to be in an ethically non-monogamous relationship”; a common quandary from individuals.
Is Jealousy Bad?
In contemporary society we are taught that jealousy is a negative emotion; something to be avoided at all costs. The societal understanding is that if you do feel jealous there must be something wrong with you; something driving you towards possessiveness and ownership of your partner. The assumption here is that you must rid yourself of possessiveness in order to be a ‘better’ person. It’s not uncommon for people to feel ashamed of their jealous feelings, to hide, disguise or lie about them in order to avoid the vulnerability that comes with admission.
Jealousy As A Natural Emotion
But what if I told you jealousy is a human emotion just like any other? You see, emotions are designed to tell us something about ourselves; they are information that help our bodies and brains process our experiences. They ebb and flow; changing, developing, falling away as we work through situations in life that are of importance to us.
Here are some examples;
Happiness when a friend gets a new job because we know they were excited about the opportunity.
Sadness when a pet passes away because we will miss them.
Elation at the release of the new season of our favourite show because we enjoy losing ourselves in the storyline.
Frightened when a colleague confronts us because we don’t feel confident in our words when being put on the spot.
Nervousness on a first date because we value connection and relationships.
These examples show us that an emotion is present because of a particular reason specific to who we are as individuals. You might be nervous on a first date because you value connection and relationships; but the person you are meeting with might feel terror because they don’t feel confident in their conversational skills. You have an emotion based on who you are as an individual, just as the other person has an emotion based on themselves as an individual. Jealousy is no different; it is there to tell you something about yourself.
Why Am I Jealous?
Whilst you may feel jealousy, your partner may not. Why is this? We each have our own set of experiences in life; so people may see ethical non-monogamy as a threat to their connection with their partner, whilst others may see it as something that strengthens their primary relationship. May factors contribute to our perspectives in life, including the family we grew up in, the community we live in, our cultural heritage, religion, previous relationships and more.
Something I often see with clients experiencing jealousy is that it generally comes from a place of fear. If you are experiencing jealousy it can be helpful to ask yourself “what am I afraid of?”. Here are some common fears in relation to ethically non-monogamous relationships;
I am scared my partner will like someone else more than me.
I am scared I am not good enough for my partner.
I am scared my partner will leave me.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of being replaced by someone better than me.
I am afraid of my partner’s rejection.
I am terrified that I am worthless.
I am terrified of getting hurt.
I am terrified of never being truly accepted.
These fears are not necessarily an indication that a partner or a relationship structure isn’t for us; they are simply opportunities to understand ourselves better. Why do you feel terrified of getting hurt? Why are you afraid of being alone? This deeper knowledge and questioning of ourselves can help us process past experiences, set our own boundaries, and investigate our wants and needs.
Is Jealousy In Ethical Non-Monogamy Bad?
Jealousy is not an indicator of whether ENM is the right relationship structure for you. Jealousy is a human emotion likely to ebb and flow (like any other emotion), and is an opportunity for you to understand yourself (or your partner/s) better. Having fears around your relationship, particularly when entering into an ethically non-monogamous relationship, is perfectly natural and understandable. Spending some time understanding your fears may help you find ways to work through them.
If you would like some support navigating ethical non-monogamy, or any other topic, please feel free to contact Bronwyn for a no-obligation 15 minute consult at bronwyn@floraisonmentalhealth.com.au
Or book an appointment today at https://square.site/book/K4SCSAPZ1VYCR/floraison-mental-health