I’ve heard it said many times; if you are in an ethically non-monogamous relationship cheating does not exist; there is no cheating in ethical non-monogamy.
The belief underpinning this perspective revolves around the notion that if you have consented to being in an ENM relationship you have consented to your partner/s engaging with any number of additional partners; therefore cheating cannot occur because you had already consented to it.
Here are some examples of individuals who may feel as thought their actions within an ENM relationship are not cheating;
Individuals who have spontaneously slept with someone they met at a bar on a night out.
People who ‘hooked up’ with an old flame.
Folks who have visited a sex worker.
People who had a sexual encounter with a co-worker.
Individuals who had sex with someone their partner has previously vitto’d.
Of course, everyone’s situation is different, and these situations can be extremely nuanced. But let’s have a look at why situations such as these can still be classed as cheating on a partner.
ENM is relationship structures that include more than two people, hence the ‘non-monogamy’ part. The ‘E’ is for ethical; and ethical means all people involved have all the information available to them in order to consent to a non-monogamous dynamic, and they have actively consented.
But what exactly have you all consented to? It may be that everyone involved understands that sexual encounters with additional people can happen at any time and without prior discussion. It may mean that everyone involved consents to a once-off encounter. It could mean that partner ‘A’ consented to you deepening your emotional connection to partner ‘B’, but they didn’t know you also intended to deepen your connection with partner ‘C’.
Let’s have a deeper look at an example;
Flick and Rodger have been together for 5 years, and Flick has started having romantic feelings for their mutual friend Billy. Rodger has consented to Flick and Billy going on a date to see if their connection has potential to grow. Flick and Billy have a fantastic time on their date, and in a passionate moment together they have sex. The next day Flick reveals this to Rodger, who is extremely hurt and upset. Flick cannot understand why Rodger is so upset, because he had consented to her seeing Billy. Rodger feels this is cheating as he didn’t know they were going to have sex.
Who is right? Who is wrong? Was it cheating? Or had they consented to the entirety of the situation?
In this example Flick and Rodger had discussed Flick’s connection with Billy, and that a date would reveal whether it was a passing crush or something more serious. The potential for sex was not discussed ahead of time, therefore Rodger’s consent only extended to Flick having a date with Billy. In this situation we can see that Flick has indeed cheated on Rodger. In hindsight, it would have been wise for Flick and Rodger to discuss the topic of sex in order for them both to understand what they were or were not comfortable with.
Here we can see that it is possible to cheat in an ENM relationship if one or more of the people involved have not consented to the entirety of the situation. Hence the need for all parties involved to have access to all the information necessary in order to know what they are consenting to.
How can this be avoided? Clear and transparent communication.
Although these deep conversations may be uncomfortable, they are necessary. Discussing the ‘what ifs’ is a great opportunity for everyone involved to explore their own comfort levels and those of their partner’s. And the more detailed the better! Are you ok with your partner going on a date with a friend? How might you feel if they hold hands? Would you want to kiss/have sex on the first date? Why/why not? How do you feel about having a curfew for returning home? Why does that feel like a good/bad idea? What would be the benefits or pitfalls of sharing details the next day?
The more information you have about yourself and your partner/s, the more equipped you will feel to consent to specific situations. And the simple reason why all of this is important… because relationships, particularly ENM relationships, require a great deal of trust.
If you would like some support with relationships or ethical non-monogamy please feel free to contact Bronwyn for a no-obligation 15 minute consult at bronwyn@floraisonmentalhealth.com.au
Or book an appointment today at https://square.site/book/K4SCSAPZ1VYCR/floraison-mental-health