Poly: many
Amor: love
Polyamory is a relationship structure involving more than 2 people at the consent of all involved. It is a form of ethical non-monogamy, where all parties feel that love can be found with more than one partner simultaneously [1]. Partners may or may not be sexually intimate, but will have some form of emotional intimacy. There is no one uniform way of conducting a polyamorous relationship; this is a decision for the individuals involved. Here are three examples;
There is one primary relationship between two individuals. Subsequent partners do not have any real contact or relationships with each other.
There are multiple relationships of equal standing and no one primary relationship. Subsequent partners do not have contact or relationships with each other.
A poly-family involves 3 or more individuals with intimate relations with each other that may be sexual or purely emotional. This may include shared parenting roles. [1]
Ethical non-monogamy was at the centre of the 1960-70’s sexual liberationist movement, however, it wasn’t until the early 2000’s that it drew interest in terms of sociological and psychological research [2].
POLYAMORY IS MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK
It only takes a short participation in online dating to realise the prevalence of polyamory. Polyamory is far more common than society recognises with one study in the US showing 15-28% of married couples engage in some form of polyamory [2].
Stigma still plays a large role in the lives of polyamorous individuals, where they may feel society disapproves of their views on relationships and love. Individuals are often labelled as sexual deviants, and poly-families as dysfunctional [2]. Often for individuals who participate in polyamorous relationships the idea of monogamy places too much pressure on individuals to fulfil all of a partner’s needs. It’s no wonder many individuals discovering polyamory for the first time feel a sense of relief and freedom from the mainstream constructs of monogamous relationships [3].
HOW TO POLY LIKE A PRO
Polyamory is not a relationship structure for the faint hearted. Although some may be attracted to polyamory thinking it’ll be a good method for avoiding deep intimacy or communication, it actually requires a great deal of both. Communication is key in poly relationships as it is essential all partners understand and are in agreeance as to how the structure will function. One individual may feel they want their partners to meet each other and bond, whilst others may prefer additional partners to be separate from the primary relationship. This will only be established and agreed upon through respectful, open and honest communication. We hear over and over again that communication is the key to a great relationship, and polyamory is no exception.
Awareness is also incredibly important for poly individuals, both self-awareness and awareness of partners. This allows individuals to recognise and address their own wants and needs, as well as support and collaborate with multiple partners. This level of awareness allows for issues to be picked up on, discussed and resolved, ensuring all partners feel supported and safe. This is the same in any functioning relationship, however, polyamory often requires a higher level of awareness due to the complex nature of multiple relationships.
Another element commonly brought to the counselling space by polyamorous individuals is a sense of jealousy. Many monogamous folks believe that if a polyamorous individual is experiencing jealousy it’s because polyamory is ‘wrong’ in some way. However, jealousy is a natural human emotion, no different from sadness or happiness. In order to live a full and fulfilling life it is inevitable we will feel the whole gambit of human emotion. If this feeling persists, if respectful conversations have taken place with partners yet the jealousy continues, counselling is an excellent option. It may not mean a transition to monogamy, it may simply be a matter of unpacking the feelings, healing past hurts and creating more self-awareness.
And, of course, with all of this awareness and communication comes increased emotional intimacy. The intimate bond that is formed in such a highly functioning relationship can be incredibly rewarding for all partners.
THE POSITIVES OF POLYAMORY?
There are many reasons people love polyamory; ability to allow relationships to form organically, giving and receiving more love and companionship, physical, emotional and intellectual needs met through intimacy with various partners, release from the expectation that one must meet all of a partner’s needs, various sexual desires are met; to name just a few. Rates of cheating are particularly low in polyamory relationships, and research suggests polyamorists are more likely to use protection during sexual encounters [3]. Polyamorous individuals also report higher levels of life satisfaction than their monogamous counterparts, as well as far higher levels of overall personal health [4].
Considering the evidence emerging of its positive impacts on participants, polyamory is certainly no longer a relationship structure to be shunned and shamed. Regardless of whether you prefer monogamy or ethical non-monogamy, it’s easy to see why some people choose polyamorous relationships.
References
1.Graham, N 2014, ‘Polyamory: a call for increased mental health professional awareness’, Archives of Sexual Behaviour, vol. 43, no. 6, pp. 1031-1034.
2.Dominguez, GE, Pujol, J, Motzjau, JF & Popper, M 2017, ‘Suspended transitions and affective orderings: from troubled monogamy to liminal polyamory’, Theory & Psychology, vol. 27, no. 2, pp. 183-197.
3.Sheff, E 2020, ‘Polyamory is deviant – but not for the reasons you may think’, Deviant Behaviour, vol. 41, no. 7, pp. 882-892.
4.Non-Monogamy 2019, Is non-monogamy the secret to a happier life? Non-Monogamy, https://medium.com/@polyandnonmonogamy/is-non-monogamy-the-secret-to-a-happier-life-8e958a73af93#:~:text=Polyamorous%20respondents%20reported%20being%20%E2%80%9Cvery,the%20general%20population%20as%20well.
If you would like some support navigating ethical non-monogamy, or any other topic, please feel free to contact Bronwyn for a no-obligation 15 minute consult at bronwyn@floraisonmentalhealth.com.au
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