So you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for a while… maybe it’s been 6 months, maybe 5 years, maybe 50… and your partner comes to you and says they want to be able to see other people. And now you are here, trying to wrap your head around this new information. Where do you even begin to comprehend something like ethical non-monogamy, when you thought you were in a monogamous relationship? Well, let’s start at the beginning, with one of the biggest fears I hear almost every day.
OPEN RELATIONSHIP? ARE WE BREAKING UP?
No… no just yet anyway. The fact your partner has come to you with this information more than likely means they don’t simply want to end the relationship. They have discovered something within themselves (or are in the process of discovery), and they have come to you to share this information. They trust you. It takes immense vulnerability for someone to approach their partner and broach a topic they know might cause upset and hurt. But the fact they have told you this deeply personal information and not squashed it deep down inside for the remainder of their life is because they are hoping, praying, crossing fingers, and touching wood that there will be a way forward WITH you, not without you.
Never-the-less, you may be hurt and questioning why you are not ‘enough’ for them. You might be disgusted by something you feel is morally wrong. Maybe you feel betrayed that your partner has put a lot of thought into this before even telling you. Or maybe you are sad they have been living a (monogamous) life that is not aligned with who they truly are. Whichever way you react to the new information, it is valid. Your feelings are real, your situation is unique, and this is difficult stuff to process.
I am not here to tell you that monogamy or ethical non-monogamy are right or wrong, simply that different relationship structures exist and work really well for different people. So please, take your time, read, learn, talk, feel and think. Your relationship is important to you, and it’s important to your partner.
UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOUR PARTNER WANTS
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a very broad term that covers a huge range of relationship styles that are outside of the normative monogamous relationship we all know so well. Monogamy is easy for us to understand because we have seen it represented in almost every depiction of relationships since we were born; society, television, movies, books, music, advertising, ‘his’ and ‘hers’ pillow cases as opposed to ‘his’, ‘his’ and ‘hers’. Monogamous messages are literally everywhere. So what exactly does it mean to be ethically non-monogamous? ENM really comes down to not being monogamous, but with the consent of your partner/s. Without the consent of your partner/s it’s just cheating, which can be hurtful and damaging to the relationship. In ENM relationships everyone involved has all the information needed, and they have all consented. But not all ENM was created equal.
This is where it is so important to understand what exactly it is that your partner is wanting to explore. Ethically non-monogamous relationships can be formed in any way you choose, it really is limitless. Some people are looking to form more than one meaningful relationship; this is what is known as polyamory. Polyamorous people have the capacity to love more than one person at a time and therefore are open to conducting more than one relationship. These relationships might be considered equal, or there might be one primary partner with secondary and tertiary partners. Sometimes partners might all meet each other and form friendships, and sometimes they might choose not to meet each other at all. Other people might be looking to have casual sexual experiences; in this instance it might be called an open-relationship. In open-relationships, partners are free to explore experiences with other people that don’t necessarily include love or deeper long-term connection. Open-relationships generally consist of one primary relationship, with other experiences being considered casual or without expectation or commitment. Couples might decide to explore sexual experiences together, with other couples; this is swinging. A couple might decide they would both like to form a loving relationship with a third person, of which they might call it a throuple or triad.
These are only a few examples of some of the most common relationship structures I come across in my work, but as mentioned earlier, the options really are limitless according to the wants and needs of the individuals. Structuring relationships doesn’t have to be done in any specific way, it just needs to be agreed upon by everyone participating. Discussing the details of what your partner wants will also help you both to understand the complexities; for example, would another partner meet your children? Would it be ok for your partner to have sex with someone else in your house/bed? What if you and your partner are having a quiet night in… could your partner answer a phone call from another partner? There is a lot to consider when thinking about ENM, and clarifying what exactly it is that your partner wants is paramount in order for you to start considering what it is that you want. The answers to questions such as these may very well begin to shape the type of relationship your partner (and you) wants.
CHALLENGING SOCIAL NORMS & EXPECTATIONS
Your initial feelings towards your partner’s suggestion of ethical non-monogamy might be that of horror, shock, disgust, hurt, revolt, anger, disbelief or confusion… just to name a few. I want to assure you that all of these feelings are valid. After all, this wasn’t something you ever imagined having to deal with in your monogamous relationship. But if this is something your partner is serious about, it’s worth fully understanding your own ideas of relationships, sex and love before saying no to ENM.
Take a moment to consider what a relationship actually is... you may see it as a business transaction, or a loving connection; you might think of it as pairing up with your favourite human to form an infallible team, or simply co-existing with a sexual partner. Maybe you see it more in terms of your deep or spiritual connection, or your mutual feelings of unconditional love. Spend time thinking about what exactly a relationship is to you. There are no wrong answers here, just your own individual view.
Now think about why you think this way. Who or what taught you that this was what a relationship looked like? Areas to consider might include who raised you (mum, dad, aunty/uncle, grandparent, foster carers etc.); who was around when you were growing up (neighbours, family friends, extended family, teachers, coaches); where you grew up (street, suburb/town, community, cultural factors, country); government and institutional influences (eg. Religion). These are all social factors that contribute to who we are and what we believe, but beyond that these are also factors that contribute to who we think we should be; it’s the ‘you can do this, but not that’ voice in the back of your head. These become the social norms and social expectations by which we live our lives; steering us towards certain careers, certain friends, it shapes how we conduct ourselves, our core value systems, how we treat others, how we choose ‘right’ from ‘wrong’. What has the world around you taught you about relationships?
Now, revisit ENM. Is it totally different from the social norms you were raised to believe? Is it similar? Is there overlap? The chances are that ENM is absolutely and completely different from what you were taught; as mentioned earlier, the overwhelming majority of us were raised with monogamy as the ONLY relationship option. From here you can start to explore the positives of ethical non-monogamy... for example, more partners means more support; or maybe you are not interested in kinky sex but your partner is, so your partner could explore this with someone else; not to mention the heightened communication and connection that often comes with ethical non-monogamy; or what about the ability to explore different hobbies with different partners; or the sharing of the mental load that often comes with relationships? There are many positives aspects to ENM.
Once you begin to consider your own views of relationships, the social norms that underpin them, and what exactly your partner is asking for, you can begin to think about what it is that you really want from your relationship. This can take a really long time to consider, so please be patient with yourself and know that it can be a very difficult process separating your true beliefs from social norms and expectations. So take your time, talk to your partner openly, and seek support where needed.
If you would like some support navigating ethical non-monogamy, or any other topic, please feel free to contact Bronwyn for a no-obligation 15 minute consult at bronwyn@floraisonmentalhealth.com.au
Or book an appointment today at https://square.site/book/K4SCSAPZ1VYCR/floraison-mental-health